News Articles

Dr. Phil on co-parenting

Thu, 07 Nov 2019 19:59:15 +0000

Making the decision to DIVORCE your partner is not something that should be done lightly, especially when there are children involved. On the other hand, unhappy couples should not stay together solely for the sake of the children. If you and your spouse have exhausted all efforts to rehabilitate your relationship and decided that DIVORCE is the right choice for you, Dr. Phil has this advice:

Put your children's needs first.
You have a responsibility to your children to do everything you can to ensure that the divorce doesn't leave permanent scars. Children don't have the voice and ability to tell you what they think, so it is important to make their best interest your best interest. Take an honest look at yourself and what you're doing to impact your children. Tell them that they are priority number one: "You're the most important. You are first in everything we think and do, and we're going to take care of you."

Create a new relationship with your ex-spouse.
Don't think of the divorce as ending the relationship with your ex-husband or ex-wife. Instead, think of it as starting a new one. Your new relationship as divorced parents involves being co-allies, nurturers and protectors of your children. Consider going to post-marital COUNSELING, where you can create a parenting plan and resolve your differences, so you can clearly see what is in the best interest of your children. Find a way to make your children feel that everywhere they turn they see love, support and appreciation.

Communicate clearly with your children.
If communication is vague, children fill in the blanks to the detriment of themselves. They will blame themselves and think that it's their fault that things have happened. Children can take anything and personalize it. For example, they'll hear Mom and Dad fighting about money, and they'll go in their room and say, “Oh, my gosh, I needed $20 yesterday for the school lunches. And if I didn't eat all the time, maybe they wouldn't be fighting.”

Don't put your kids in the middle.
Resolve that there is not going to be a tug- of-war. Don't put the children in between you and your ex and start pulling on them for their allegiance. Don't use your children as pawns to find out about the other person or get back at your ex.

Fight in private.
Parents must stop the RIGHT-fighting and make a plan to help their children make it through the transition with as little trauma as possible. The kids don’t care who’s right; they want you to shut up! If parents are filled with bitterness and angst and resentment, then their children are going to get pulled back and forth, and that's not right or fair to them.

Never undermine the other parent.
Don't attack or criticize your ex in front of the children. Take the high ground and put the children above all of your personal wants and needs. If you behave in such a way as to alienate your child’s mother or father from them, they will resent you for it. The day will come when they will say, “You ran your own agenda and it cost us our mother/father.” You may feel like you might win at the time, but in the long term, they will resent you.

Communicate with your ex regarding child rearing decisions.
Make joint decisions about your children’s wellbeing. Don't let the children divide you even further by manipulating the parent who is more lenient, etc.

Decide that your children will not come from a broken home; they are just going to have two homes.
Each parent should set up a home in which the children have a bedroom, toys to play with and space to be kids. Make sure the children feel at home in both places.

https://plugger.drphil.com/articles/article/534

November 2018

Wed, 13 Feb 2019 20:47:50 +0000

Nadia was more than just a attorney. She takes the time to get an insight on her "patients". You're treated fairly and she goes out of her way to make a difficult experience as palletable as it can be. I would highly recommend Matrimonial Mediation Services to anyone who wants to settle things with as much dignity and as little conflict as possible. DK

January 2019

Thu, 07 Nov 2019 20:10:47 +0000

I highly recommend attorney mediator Nadia for the following reasons; her calming down and almost therapeutic style of mediation invites cooperation. My ex-wife exploded several times but Nadia deescalated the anger and unreasonable behavior with her gentleness. JJ

July 2018

Wed, 13 Feb 2019 20:48:57 +0000

A very Kind Professional Attorney.

My wife and I were referred to attorney Nadia Shahram through a colleague of mine who also went through a mediated divorce with Nadia. I was very impressed by Ms. Shahram's professionalism, sensitivity, and demeanor. Her experience and knowledge, particularly in financial matters, were evident from the onset. She was truly unbiased in dealing with some of the difficult legal and emotional issues that we were facing. Divorce was not an easy thing to go through and I am extremely grateful that we found someone like Nadia to peacefully and professionally expedite the process. I would highly recommend Nadia Shahram for anyone who needs an experienced divorce attorney or mediator. - SCG

Testimonial AB

Wed, 13 Feb 2019 20:14:22 +0000

Nadia was very comforting, helpful and insightful with my entire expirence in mediation. She made me feel as if I was family and treated the situation with great care. Her genuine love for her career shows with how she treated me and my ex husband. - AB

testimonial from Eva

Mon, 25 Feb 2019 19:55:18 +0000

My husband and I were married for 39 years when we decided to contact Nadia Shahram as our divorce mediator. We were both determined to make this difficult time in our lives as painless as possible for each other. Nadia was able to do just that. She was intuitive and fair and treated us with kindness and respect and she counseled us with heartfelt concern.

We could tell that she was coming from a place of experience and compassion.

I recommend that anyone going through the difficult process of separation and divorce, try mediation with Nadia Shahram. I have the utmost gratitude for the work she did on our behalf.

Can divorce coaching help you?

Mon, 11 Feb 2019 19:33:59 +0000

Going through divorce is not easy navigation, legally, financially, and emotionally. There are floods of unexpected emotional waives you may have to master. The legality of it all could be overwhelming, exhausting and confusing. As a mediation attorney and a certified divorce financial planner with 18 years of experience in dealing with emotions, I am the right person to coach you before and during your divorce. If considering a divorce, in the middle of a divorce, struggling through it all, a session with me lays out the landscape of our legal system and various financial outcomes on you. It will alleviate some stress by empowering you to make educated decisions. I would be honored to have your confidence at this difficult time. Warmly, Nadia

Forgiveness

Mon, 25 Feb 2019 20:25:00 +0000

The Extraordinary Power of Forgiveness

I met a couple in my office who were separating because of infidelities on the part of the husband. During a particularly emotional and difficult session, we encountered an impasse. I asked to have a few minutes alone with the wife.

After a short time, we asked the husband to return to the table. The aggrieved wife looked at the husband and said firmly "I forgive you". For several moments the room fell silent, eventually interrupted by the husband who, while gathering up his papers, said to me “thank you Nadia. It seems like we don’t need your services any longer” His wife and I looked at each other, immediately understanding exactly how he had heard her words; as an invitation for reconciliation, not the purposeful release of the pain and anger that the wife had been feeling about his betrayal.

I witness the profound pain and anger that are often present when a couple decides to dissolve their marriage, and by consequence, their family. Finding forgiveness from the most vulnerable places in our hearts is a daunting task, but the rewards for the extraordinary effort are abundant and the most courageous act of radical self-love we can give ourselves.

When someone else does us harm, we’re connected to that mistreatment like a chain. But, revenge, retaliation or holding on to the anger about the harm done to us doesn’t actually combat the initial cruel and damaging behavior we suffered, maybe it feeds it. In the end, if we’re not careful, we can actually absorb the worst of our enemy and, on some level, even start to become them.

What if forgiveness, rather than being like a way of saying “it’s okay”, is actually a way of taking the bolt cutters and snapping the chain that links us, as if to say, “what you did was so not okay that I refuse to be connected to it anymore”?

Forgiveness is about being a freedom fighter. And free people are dangerous people. Free people aren’t controlled by the past. Free people laugh more than others. Free people see beauty where others do not. Free people are not easily offended. Free people are unafraid to speak truth to stupid. Free people are not chained to resentment. That’s worth fighting for. There really is a light that shines in the darkness, and that the darkness cannot, will not, shall not, overcome it.

Forgiveness of the betrayal of your spouse especially is empowering and holds great promise to conflict resolution. It is a transforming experience that fosters more positive emotions and less negative thoughts about oneself.

Remember you are forgiving for you and not for the one who has wronged you.

The young lady, that one day, made a powerful and brave decision to forgive her unfaithful husband and empower herself with peace.

Does your agreement need modification?

Mon, 22 Oct 2018 15:50:37 +0000

Post-Divorce Mediation

After the divorce is completed and finalized, life often presents new unexpected situations to navigate. Living conditions and financial situations change and new circumstances may necessitate a request for modification of the original agreement.

Almost any part of a divorce settlement can be modified for any number of reasons, including:

Significant financial/economic changes affecting one party, including but not limited to job loss, relocation, retirement, and other circumstances; particularly when the lifestyles and well-being of children are effected.
Altered living conditions of one of the parties which may affect prior financial settlements, including but not limited to property agreements, co-habitation, remarriage, or another major life event that challenges the validity of prior agreements.

Through mediation, these situations can be assessed, re-evaluated and discussed; and an updated agreement reflecting the current circumstances can be collaboratively created in the same spirit of compassion and respect.

Co-parenting concerns

Mediation is highly effective for resolving post-divorce parenting issues that are common as children grow older and parents reestablish their lives. The willingness of each parent to encourage a close and consistant parent-child connection with both parents and their families minimizes post-divorce anxiety in children; but often it is very challenging for the adults.

Even the most focused and conscientious parents are experiencing their own personal and emotional adjustment, frequently including residual pain, anger and fear that may be buried or not fully acknowledged, or perhaps one parent is in another committed relationship and the other parent feels somehow “threatened” by this new figure in their children’s lives – this is not at all uncommon.

Mediation can help parents identify the origins of the conflict, share their perspectives, and discuss strategies that will alleviate the tension and improve communication between the parents. Perhaps new boundaries will need to be drawn or custody schedules revised, parents who collaborate respectfully are more successful and flexible because their sole agenda is the well-being of the children, not a latent personal conflict with their former partner.

For parents struggling to establish a healthy post-divorce relationship mediation is very effective, offering a neutral judgement-free space for us to discuss your concerns.

I sincerely hope that this is a service that you will never need, but should you feel that the tension is rising, please consider carefully the emotional health of yourselves, and most urgently, the children who look to you for reassurance, guidance, and hope for a joyful future.

Education and Community Service

Tue, 25 Sep 2018 18:50:09 +0000

Nadia Shahram has been a distinguished Mediator and practicing Attorney in Western New York since 2001. She is a member of the Erie County Bar Association and the New York State Council on Divorce Mediation.

A proud member of the Buffalo community for about four decades, she obtained her undergraduate degree from the School Of Management at the University Of Buffalo in 1988 and her JD from the UB School of Law in 1997.

Since 2011, Ms. Shahram serves on the board of the Family Justice Center of Erie County, and is the founder and Executive Director of the Coalition for the Advancement of Moslem Women. She is the architect behind the ‘Declaration of Equalities for Moslem Women’ which is on permanent exhibit at the Women’s Rights National Historical Park and at the University at Buffalo School of Law, its place of origin and where Ms. Shahram taught ‘The Effects of Religion and Culture on Family Law’.

Since 2010, she has collaborated and served in an advisory capacity to numerous cultural, civic, humanitarian, and educational organizations, including Journey’s End Refugee Services, Buffalo Public Schools, Erie County Court, The International Institute, The Massachusetts Avenue Project and the American Association of University Women (AAUW).

Ms. Shahram has been the recipient of a number of honors in recognition of her philanthropic work and dedication to the community. These include, Business First Women of Influence, Buffalo Law Journal Legal Elite, Buffalo Leadership Diversity Award, Spirit of Women, and many others. Her Raising Hope initiative raised over one hundred thousand dollars to endow and support Domestic Violence services offered through The Family Justice Center.

Currently, Ms. Shahram is devoted to helping displaced refugee families through a number grass-roots initiatives including, cultural and educational programing, pro-bono legal services and representation, partnerships with local businesses such as City Mattress to distribute beds to needy families, and various programs promoting economic empowerment in the local immigrant community. Ms. Shahram and the Coalition for the Advancement of Moslem Women realize that education is a golden key to the door of economic success, yet many young Moslem women may not have the financial means to continue their studies beyond high school. Every spring her committee reviews hundreds of applications and rewards two young ladies partial scholarships as an investment in their future as active, productive and confident community leaders.

As an avid writer, Ms. Shahram makes regular contributions to the Buffalo News and The Erie County Bar Bulletin. Her Novel “Marriage on the Street Corners of Tehran” came from years of legal research into the injustice and exploitation of women in Iran. Ms. Shahram is one of five local individuals featured for their human rights work in an exhibit at the newly opened Niagara Falls Underground Heritage Center.

Nadia lives in Amherst, New York and dedicates her relentless drive and energy in her philanthropic pursuits to her two wonderful daughters and her beloved mother, who taught Nadia that every soul is worthy of dignity and independence; inspiring Nadia to offer her gifts in the service of others.

Pre- and post- nuptial agreements are nothing to fear!

Thu, 26 Jul 2018 19:18:07 +0000

What Are Pre- And Post-Nuptial Agreements?

Most people recoil at the prospect of turning their lovely, love-filled marriage into what sounds like a soul-sucking business deal. Unfortunately, most people are judging pre- and post-nuptial agreements without ever understanding what these contracts really are.

In fact, many relationship experts argue that signing a pre- or post-nuptial agreement signals a strong, trusting and loving partnership.

So what, exactly, are pre- and post-nuptial agreements? What’s the difference between the two contracts? Who needs them?

Pre-Nuptial Agreements

In the simplest terms, a pre-nuptial agreement (prenup) is a blueprint for how you and your soon-to-be spouse will deal with specific financial matters if your marriage ends.

All marrying couples have a prenuptial agreement, whether they are aware of it or not; it is known as “divorce law.” However, a lot of people are unhappy with the way divorce law works, and prefer to take control of their lives, rather than leave it in the hands of the government. In these cases, it makes a lot of sense to get a customized prenup.”

Legally binding, prenups stipulate how spouses will divide property and deal with assets or debts incurred during and/or prior to the marriage. Some prenups may place certain conditions on the division of assets. For instance, a spouse who commits adultery may be forced, under the terms of his or her prenup, to forfeit agreed-upon assets or provide additional spousal support.

Prenuptial agreements are becoming more generally accepted as an effective way to protect assets. Interestingly, these requests are no longer just limited to a specific gender or age group; as our society sees more people marry or remarry in their later years, there is an increasing emphasis on protecting pensions and retirement benefits if the marriage does not work out.

A prenup will, ideally, protect both you and your spouse from financial ruin in the event that your union doesn’t last till death do you part.

So who needs a prenup? Below are factors worth considering:

There is a large wealth or income gap between you.
One of you carries a high debt load
You are a business owner
You want to keep an estate plan or inheritance in your name or your children’s names
You or your spouse plan to take time away from your career to raise your children

And remember, a prenup shouldn’t be something that you squeeze in between the caterer and the flowers when you plan your wedding day. Ideally, you'll want to have your prenup in place six to nine months before the wedding. A prenup signed at the last minute may be found invalid by a court.

Post-Nuptial Agreements

The difference between pre- and post-nuptial agreements (postnups) is simply a matter of timing. Prenups are contracts signed before a marriage. Postnups are essentially the same type of legal agreement, but are signed after the parties have already married.

Postnups are agreements entered into by the parties after marriage that set forth the rights and obligations of each party in the event of death or divorce, and during the marriage. Postnuptial agreements can be used when no divorce is contemplated, when divorce is imminent, postnuptial agreements are referred to as separation agreements.

Who should consider getting a postnup?

Couples who had intended to sign a prenup but who ran out of time before their wedding day.
Same-sex couples entering into a domestic partnership who want to be better protected from the whims of legislators.
Couples who signed a prenup more than 10 years ago, and who want their agreement to be more up-to-date and relevant to their current financial status.
Older couples who have accumulated more assets than they imagined they would when they first married.

My advice to couples who are conflicted about a pre-nup or post-nup agreemant?

“Sign it, put it away, and go into your marriage hoping never to look at it again.”

About Nadia

Tue, 09 Jan 2018 20:14:52 +0000

Nadia’s inspiration for focusing her legal practice on matrimonial mediation came after observing and studying alternative dispute resolution methods, especially the success of family mediation as practiced in European and Asian countries.

Her keen interest in resolving disputes outside of a court of law is a result of her own cultural heritage and her belief in the advantages of mediation. Shahram earned her bachelor’s and law degrees at the University at Buffalo, and received training and licensing as a divorce and family mediator at the Rochester Mediation Center. She is an Advanced Accredited Mediator.

Shahram is active regionally and nationally in professional and charitable organizations, contributing her time and expertise to issues about which she is passionate. Her work has been recognized with many awards and honors. She is a member of the Women’s Bar Association of the State of New York, the New York State Council on Divorce Mediation and the Bar Association of Erie County.

Preparing for your Financial Separation

Tue, 09 Jan 2018 18:05:53 +0000

Divorce can have a devastating effect on everyone involved. While some couples are able to navigate a civilized divorce and can remain friends and co-parents, other couples fight and suffer greatly. Under such circumstances, and especially if they end up in court, the result can be permanently damaging for both.

Can anything be done to lessen the negative power of a divorce? Are equitable settlements really possible? YES. Mediation with Nadia can turn a damaging approach around, empowering couples to move forward with decisions and an overall settlement which is acceptable to both parties.

The following guide to a divorce is exactly that – a guide. It is meant to help you prepare for the possibility of a divorce. But divorce is a process, a series of steps. The key is to take small steps and keep moving forward. Nadia will guide you through the process of divorce, and help keep the steps manageable and moving in a positive direction.

Collect Information

Many times one spouse doesn’t know what the other spouse is doing concerning income, expenses, investments, insurance, loans, and even a family business. You and your spouse need to provide this information to the mediator.

Make a List of Assets and Debts

When you have your first appointment with Nadia, be prepared with your list of assets. Don’t guess, it wastes your time and hers, and costs you extra money.

Temporary Support

The lower-earning spouse or the stay-at-home custodial parent may be entitled to temporary support. This is to be used to pay bills for ordinary living expenses while your case is being settled. It does not necessarily determine the amount of alimony and child support you will receive.

Tax Issues with Spousal Support

The new tax laws will change the way spousal support is treated by the IRS. Nadia is current and aware of the new standard.

Child Support

All states now have Child Support Guidelines. They are usually based on the incomes of both parents and the amount of time the children spend with each parent. Nadia will go over all the calculations in her office with both parents. Child support is always modifiable.

Consider Cost of Living Increases for Child Support

We all know that children seem to get more expensive as they get older. They seem to have more expensive ‘toys’ such as computers, skis, orthodontics, etc. Many couples discuss and anticipate additional expenses including a cost of living increase each year for child support.

Know the Difference between Separate and Marital Property

Separate property is everything you bring into the marriage and keep in your own name. It is also what you receive during the marriage as a gift or an inheritance. Marital property is everything acquired during the marriage – no matter whose name it is in. The increase in the value of separate property could be marital.

For instance, consider a $20,000 savings account brought in to the marriage, which earned $3000 during the marriage, and is now worth $23,000. The $20,000 would be set aside as separate property and the $3000 would be included as part of the marital assets to be divided. Assume the wife adds $100 each month to her IRA which is in her name only. That is still considered a marital asset because it is “everything acquired during the marriage, no matter whose name it is in.”

Get A Pension Appraised

We are using the word “pension” to apply to a Defined Benefit plan which provides a future monthly payment after a person retires, based on that person’s length of employment and amount warned. These plans can be complicated to value but can be worth a significant amount of money. Advice from a financial specialist is needed in this area and Nadia will advise you if it is needed in your case.

Use of QDRO

This stands for Qualified Domestic Relations Order. It is the legal document that is sent to the plan administrator which tells the administrator how much money from the retirement plan to send to the ex-spouse. It is the only way for the ex-spouse to get payout from a qualified plan such as a 401K. Nadia will advise you if doing a QDRO is necessary in your case.

Don’t Cancel Insurance Too Soon

If all your cars are on one insurance policy and your car’s insurance is cancelled because your spouse figures you will get your own, you are without insurance until you do get your own.

Suppose you are the beneficiary of your spouse’s life insurance and it is cancelled. Two things may happen: (1) Your spouse may die before the divorce is final and there are no proceeds or (2) The court orders your spouse to carry insurance to cover alimony (see next paragraph) and now the spouse is older and to get new insurance will be much more costly.

Life Insurance to Cover Spousal and Child Support

Alimony stops upon the death of the payor. So it is extremely important to protect that stream of income with life insurance on the payor’s life. It is also important to consider having the beneficiary be the owner of the policy.

COBRA vs. Self-Insure

COBRA stands for Consolidated Omnibus Budget Reconciliation Act and is formed to allow employees to continue to get health insurance from their previous employee for up to 18 months after leaving that place of employment.

In divorce, COBRA allows for up to 36 months of continued health insurance for the ex-spouse of the employee, if the company has at least 20 employees.

It is important, however, to consider self-insuring – getting your own health insurance. After the 36 month period on COBRA, if you have become uninsurable in the meantime, they do not have to continue to insure you. If you have your own insurance, as long as you pay your premiums, you are covered.

Social Security Benefits

If you have been married ten years or longer when you get divorced, the lower earning spouse can get half the higher earning spouse’s Social Security benefit. It does not reduce the higher earning spouse’s benefit.

You can get your own benefit or half your spouse’s benefit – whichever is higher. You have a choice. You can only get one benefit.

Make sure you change your will immediately. If you die after the divorce is final, the court may take that into account. However, the risk is that your ex-spouse could get your property instead of where you want it to go. Nadia will help you with a separate Will and Testament at the time of the filing of your divorce.

Remember that consideration and completion of all these areas SHOULD take some time. Be gentle with yourself during this period and allow for the “small steps” of the process to help you move forward.

Nadia has spent nearly 20 years assisting people through this process and uses her experience to guide all parts of this process along positive lines. It IS possible to eliminate harsh and hurtful interaction between spouses. It IS possible to work together and come to an end result that you both can be proud of completing. Mediation IS the way to accomplish this goal. Nadia can and will work closely with both of you to achieve this outcome.

Post Divorce Mediation

Tue, 09 Jan 2018 15:05:15 +0000

Post-Divorce Financial or Co-Parenting Mediation

Once through the legal stress of a divorce, life often presents unforeseen situations to navigate. Living conditions and financial situations change and new circumstances may necessitate a request for modification of a final judgment of dissolution. Mediation is appropriate for addressing changes relating to child custody, visitation, child support, spousal support, etc.

Situations can be assessed and re-evaluated if circumstances make it necessary, or it is decided to be in the best interests of a child. Almost any part of a divorce settlement can be modified if the financial or living conditions of one of the parties changes significantly. Some other common reasons for seeking post-divorce modifications are related to the loss of a job, parent relocations, and altered living conditions of one of the parents – including co-habitation or remarriage. While most divorce modifications are related to custodial or support issues of children, property agreements and debt distribution can also be altered.

Co-parenting concerns

A commitment to respectful co-parenting for divorced couples offers parents a chance to really help their kids. Children can become lifelong victims of their parents’ divorce. The children who do not fare well are the ones whose parents are hostile and fighting. When the parents work to minimize conflict and remain involved in their children’s lives, damage can be avoided or significantly reduced.

Mediation is highly effective for resolving post-divorce parenting issues that are common as children grow older and parents reestablish their lives after divorce. The willingness and ability of each of the parents to encourage a close and continuing parent-child relationship can minimize post-divorce pressures. Mediation can improve communication with your former spouse to keep your child from being caught in the middle.

The mediator helps parents discuss perspectives, exchange information, and make informed decisions about the best interests of their children. Children benefit from the reduced hostility and increased understanding that parents gain through the process of mediation.

Divorce - a time to grieve

Mon, 09 Jan 2017 20:05:25 +0000

Thoughts on Grief and Loss; Honor your Divorce Properly

On April 29 between 5:17-5:25 PM my precious mom leaned back on the sofa, tilted her head back and closed her beautiful eyes at my parents’ home in LA. Just like that. My mother closed her eyes to life and I haven’t seen her since.

Her body was at the funeral home, I touched and caressed her beautiful face, but there was no life. My sisters, our father and I watched, in unimaginable agony and pain, as her precious lifeless body slid into burning flames. After several weeks of mourning with my beloved family, I came back home to Buffalo, in foggy shock and with a dagger in my heart. I began looking for my mother. It made no sense to me, how could one be separated from the other, life from body? Is this a nightmare, my sisters and I ask ourselves and each other: “Mother say something, please? What next?” Mother! I was emotionally overwhelmed by the sense of rootlessness I felt.

What would she have done if she knew how devastated I am? I still ask myself several times a day, especially when I am falling into the state of depression and desperately wondering where her soul has gone. What would mother say to me, is the question I ask as I desperately climb back to the surface to take a breath. What would she want me to do? Mother, where are you? Why aren’t you guiding me? Didn’t you tell me that once you become a mother it is a life time position?

What shall I do now? “Stop mourning and making yourself sick”, she would say. Change the hurt into strength by transferring the pain into energy.

This is why I am writing about grieving in divorce. I am a divorce mediator and I emotionally invest in each and every one of my clients. How can I learn from my own agonizing journey of loss to help my clients ease the pain going through the end of their marriage?

Robert Emery, Ph.D. is a professor of Psychology and Director of the Center for Children, Families, and the Law at the University of Virginia. He talks about complexities to divorce grieving that make it a unique challenge among all types of grieving processes. If it is left unrecognized, it will manifest into something else, also dark and foreboding, within us. Because the end of a marriage is not symbolized with a lifeless body and cultural rituals, it is easy to overlook the reality of the profound grief of loss; indeed, it is often well disguised in the cloak of rationality. For example, financial issues are common sources of discord, and they can devolve into custody battles, friendships and other mutual relationships get spun into the drama, and the vortex of negativity feels bottomless because one painful, yet relatively simple truth evades most separating couples….our society offers most divorcing couples no clear grieving ritual that substitutes the role of a funeral for the marriage.

Several years ago, a dear friend of mine who was going through a court battled divorce, sold her husband’s custom designer suits for pennies on the dollar, at a garage sale which she was careful to advertise at his place of work. This was her way of avenging the hurt and anger which had resulted from realizing that, unbeknownst to her, other women had shared her “matrimonial” bedroom over the years. Her marriage died with that discovery, but she could not grieve; she was feeling betrayed so very deeply that the totality of the loss was not yet clear to her - that of family, emotional security and companionship.

When couples are divorcing, they don’t protect each other’s backs or provide shoulders to cry on anymore. Accustomed to commiserating together, they find themselves isolated; even from extended family who, once a safe oasis for empathy and support, become unavailable—besides one’s spouse, in-laws and even valued friends can be part of the losses of divorce. When divorce is high conflict and court battled, the grieving process gets buried under anger and revenge. The grieving may manifest itself in other forms, both mental and physical.

During divorce, a self-aware person will pass through a grieving process resembling Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross’s five stages of grieving death (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance). When experienced as part of the process of grieving, each step has its beneficial purposes. But, each stage also holds great risks for anyone who uses it as a final destination. The better that one can embrace the need to pass through each of the five stages, including depression, the sooner and more fully she can experience the wonderful promise at the end of the grieving process. What is that promise? It’s nothing less than a new awareness: Divorce is not the end of the world, it is a new beginning.

I have always felt intuitively sensitive to the one partner in a divorce who is hurting more than the other who may have already “checked out” from the relationship. I encourage and push parties to seek counseling even when they think there is no issue. Encouraging divorcing couples to vent out with professionals and trusted friends will result in less stressed and anxious clients with clearer understanding of each other, their issues, and hopefully a lighter heart. This will serve all parties well further down the road, as well as their children, families, and friends.

I recently used my recent grieving experience with a couple who bickered bitterly and endlessly over the most trivial details of their splintering relationship. I asked them calmly – “How would you feel if one of you dropped dead right now? Is this how you want your last memory to be of one another?” My simple question finally focused them on what really matters: In the larger scheme of events, it really does not make a difference what court papers say … what matters is the meaning we give to the words in divorce papers.

This is indeed the most emotionally gratifying part of my vocation. This is the part that made my mother proudest. For me, I wished I could have said more loving things to my mother.

Every so often, I have a couple for divorce mediation in my office that breaks my heart. The loving husband coming back from an overseas deployment with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder with radically different behavior, a wife going for cancer treatment but wants a divorce before she undergoes the removal of the tumor. Recently, a lady of 69 years old came to me, accompanied by her 40 year-old son; I cried along with the woman as she described her life as ended. After being emotionally and economically abused by her alcoholic womanizing husband, once her high school sweetheart, she had decided to divorce him. The reasons for divorce have little to do with the grief caused by the divorce. You should and must grieve no matter what the cause, even the most justified as outlined above. The divorcing spouses in the above examples were justifying their decision to divorce to their once loving life partners.

Now when I hear the silly cliché that there are more fish in the sea, I know more than ever before, that the partner who utters those words is masking hurt. Can love for someone new replace the love you shared with someone else? Of course not.

Relationships are unique, so you can never replace someone you love. It’s not like replacing a car battery or old gym sneakers. If you try to find someone new, fresh fish, before getting over with your grieving, it could end up hurting you in the long run. Divorce is the death of a relationship. You owe it to yourself to heal your broken heart and spirit by allowing yourself to go through the grieving ritual patiently and properly.

Now, I am trying hard to remember, what my mother used to quote from Helen Keller:

Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved.

Oh how much I miss holding and being held by my precious mother.

Tips for getting the MOST from your sessions

Wed, 11 Jan 2017 20:10:19 +0000

It's a challenging process, here are some things to keep in mind to make it informative AND keep it productive!

It is normal and natural to feel emotional discomfort when discussing the issues which will inevitably surface during Mediation. It is helpful that you know this at the outset to better manage your feelings and your responses.

How can you help yourself stay calm? One of the best techniques is to memorize short encouraging statements that you can tell yourself as you are going through the process, such as:

PATIENCE

Remember that most conflicts are resolved through this process of talking and listening and creating solutions.

• The agreement at the end is all that matters.

• Sometimes it takes a while, depending on the intensity and discord of the issue, but an agreement is usually reached.

DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY

• Personal attacks are not about me - they're about the person who lacks self-control.

• We can disagree about the past - reaching an agreement about the future is what matters. Mediation is all about moving forward without interference from the past.

FLEXIBILITY

A big component of mediation is making proposals. It is helpful to anticipate the topics that will be addressed in Mediation and prepare one or two scenarios that you would consider to be a reasonable request. That way you don't get stuck in "all-or-nothing thinking" and can avoid getting upset when your first proposal isn't immediately accepted. Any concern about the past can be turned into a proposal about the future.

Responding to proposals is another area in which practice can help. Ask questions for clarity, if necessary, and consider what parts of the proposal are worth discussing further and which are not. Avoid arguing over the proposal as a whole, the goal is eventually finding a resolution both of you can live with. Also, personally judgmental reactions are counter-productive to maintaining the spirit of cooperation; which is essential to reaching a satisfactory agreement.

MANNERS

Mediation is a structured, yet relaxed, process, designed to help people reach a consensus on a number of complicated and, at times, emotional issues.

To achieve your mediation goals, it is helpful to think about the following “rules” of a productive and successful mediation:

A. Don't interrupt while the other person is speaking. If necessary, take notes, you can bring up your point when it is your turn.

B. Treat everyone with respect. Avoid insulting comments, raising your voice, placing blame, etc. Anything that triggers a defensive attitude is going to decrease dramatically your chances of having a productive session.

C. Use "I" statements. These are sentences that start with "I feel..." or "I prefer..." or "I have another idea..." Avoid "You" statements, such as "You always..." or "You never...” it sounds accusatory. Remember, all you need to do is to reach an agreement. You don't need to try to change the other person's way of thinking.

D. Ask to take a break if necessary, this does not need to be a marathon. Mediation is NOT like a court hearing of arbitration, it is flexible; and the more you and your partner are taking the time to consider other perspectives the more likely that you will sooner come to an agreeable resolution. Perhaps speaking with a trusted friend, family member or even financial adviser or accountant may help you work through your own roadblocks. In any case, storming out in anger is not a constructive option.

From time to time, ask yourself if you are using these skills. It’s easy ( AND NORMAL) to forget in the heat of a discussion about sensitive issues. The mediator has the experience and training to guide you back on the path.

Remember that YOU control the outcome!

Why a Legal Separation?

Tue, 09 Jan 2018 15:09:17 +0000

Why a Separation Agreement?

Although a legal separation and divorce have many things in common there are some advantages to separating, at least for a period of time, rather than immediately divorcing. Those advantages include:

It allows couples space and time apart to reflect on the conflicts that are leading to a decision to dissolve the marriage.
If a primary source of conflict is addiction, a separation will help couples to honestly gauge the possibility of extensive intervention and therapy as an option that would open up possibility for reconciliation.
It allows for the retention of medical benefits and certain other benefits that divorce would bring to an end.
10 years of marriage entitle you to certain military and social security benefits.
In the event that you choose to move ahead with divorce, the existing agreement will be incorporated directly into the divorce decree, saving you the drain and expense of the family court system.

***There are domestic circumstances where no intermediary measures are advisable, e.g. abuse***

A legal Separation Agreement will offer other securities on a pragmatic level:

If you own a home together, have children, joint bank accounts and other financial interests in both names it makes sense to protect yourself financially while living apart. Expenses once paid jointly will be divided between the parties in accordance with their relative income and incorporated into the Separation Agreement.
If you don’t trust your spouse to live up to verbal agreements. A legal Separation Agreement is binding, you are protected from verbal agreements and promises that are not honored.
If you have children and want child support. You can’t enforce the payment of child support without a legal court order. Child support can be calculated according to your state's child support guidelines or through an agreement you arrive at with a financial advisor or mediator. This same protection applies to visitation and custody rights.
If you are a non-working spouse and have a need for spousal support. Once again, this can’t be enforced without a legal court order, you will need a legal Separation Agreement to define how much support will be paid .
You need to take into consideration issues such as health insurance, after a divorce is finalized it will no longer be possible to maintain a joint policy. Who will maintain coverage, who will be covered and, who will pay out of pocket expenses if a child or either spouse becomes ill?
Dating and cohabitation issues. You can legally either allow or prohibit what you and your partner deem to be appropriate social behavior based on the best interests of your child(ren).

*****Again, there circumstances where NO measures other than immediate evacuation are advisable, e.g. abuse*****

Custody Considerations

Mon, 24 Oct 2016 18:13:38 +0000

Parents of children, particularly young children, undeniably know in most cases what is in the best interests of their child(ren). But one area that can have detrimental consequences for children are custodial decisions that don't necessarily reflect the true best interests of the child..

An excellent article with considerations you may now have thought of before....As always, Children First!

Litigation vs. Mediation

Wed, 28 Sep 2016 19:38:59 +0000

LITIGATION VS. MEDIATION

Comparative Chart

Conventional Divorce	Mediated Divorce
Strict adherence to existing judicial codes and criteria.	Using existing codes along with subjective considerations as determined by the interested parties and their Mediation specialist.
Negotiations focused on the past conflicts and negative experiences of the parties involved.	Emphasis on the best interests of all parties moving into the future.
Representation by a professional expert in the field of divorce from solely a legal standpoint.	Same legal representation with the added benefit of a holistic person-centered approach to problem solving, parenting plans and assistance with financial planning.
Emphasis on individual loss/gain, a series of proposals and counter-proposals often resulting in one or both parties feeling bitter and resentful.	All parties participate in productive discussion with the mutual goal of equity and fairness.
Equitable distribution based upon statutory criteria for dividing property.	Impartial financial planning to help both parties plan sound financial futures.
Often acrimonious debate of the competence and fitness of one parent over the other.	Emphasis on the best and least-disruptive arrangement for the child(ren). Focus on cooperative parenting.
Use of civil discovery procedures to obtain information and documents when a voluntary exchange does not suffice.	Contractual agreement to exchange information and documents that are reasonably necessary to the process.
Litigation and negotiation strategies; use of court procedures to influence settlements.	Cooperative strategies to seek common ground and to achieve win-win solutions.
Formal drafting based upon a standardized format utilized by legal professionals.	Drafting in understandable modern English; Collaborative revision process.
Risk of unwelcome outcomes in the court of law.	Controlled outcome; a fair and workable settlement.

Children First!

Thu, 26 Jul 2018 19:21:18 +0000

The decision to end a marriage or similar domestic relationship is heartbreaking and difficult; but adults have the mental capacity to process the myriad of emotions that ensue after such upheaval. Children have not yet experienced complex interpersonal dynamics and have not reached the biological maturity required to do so.

They are not just little people, they are YOUNG people.

Their needs first.
Sadly, anger is a very common feature of most marriages reaching the end of the line. The disappointment of dreams gone wrong and bitter resentment can feel overwhelming.

Learn to compartmentalize. Store the “toxins” in a part of your brain where your children cannot see it. As noted below, they are most likely aware of the tension, be careful with what you burden them with. When they are not around, walk, run, primal scream, vent to your mother/best friend/therapist. Your feelings aren’t evil, just not rated for children.

Don't put your kids in the middle
Fight in private
Never undermine the other parent

Communicate clearly and respectfully with your children.
Children are highly and deceptively intuitive; they may look lost in the world of Legos and books, but don’t be fooled, they have antennae for parental discord. It is wise to assume that they notice keenly the change in the family climate. Unfortunately, without your guidance they will assume that they are to blame for the tension; developmentally they are still centered on self. Only you can find the right approach to communicate with your child, do so – preferably as a couple, as it will reassure him/her that despite challenges you remain united in your commitment to his/her well-being.

Create a new relationship with your ex-spouse.
Enter into this post-separation life resolving that despite all of the negative feelings you may have at the moment toward your ex, that individual remains co-creator of your most precious gifts; as such, you will always have a bond – and always is a long time, do you really choose to carry the weight of anger forever? If you must, fake it until you make it. It’s not obligatory that you much like your ex-partner, but civility, respect and grace is what you want your children to model.

Decide that your children will not come from a broken home; they are just going to have two homes.