Blog Posts

NEW Holidays

Wed, 12 Dec 2018 19:52:23 +0000

The “most wonderful time” of the year is upon us, but for many it may be the most miserable. As we approach the holiday season, especially at the end of such a fraught and disconcerting year, I am ever more aware of how the winter holidays are already a stressful time for many people.

Expectations seem to rise higher each year, the savviest marketers swoop in before the first frost with their dazzling lights, peppy and joyful music, jolly Santas, caroling children and too many choices tempting us away from the true meaning of holiday season and toward this year’s absolute “must-have” gift or gadget.

Oh– and the bright happy smile? Obligatory.

Even if you have the time, energy, endurance and bank account it is challenging to avoid the pitfalls that are inevitable during times of such enforced conviviality. Especially if you are facing your first holiday season after a profound personal loss, through death or dissolution of an important relationship for example, the holidays can make you feel many things, likely not including inspired and excited….

I am a Divorce mediator, my clients are couples whose families have been disrupted by the breakup of a union. Although my formal purpose is to deal with legal issues of my divorcing clients, my more personally meaningful role is that of a coach during and after divorce. At least at first, the holidays become not only emotionally difficult but a logistical nightmare.

Holidays are about rituals unique to every family, specific traditions evolved over years of unity; even if you despise the lentil soup, you will eat it and be happy to have pleased Aunt Hazel, you’ll let Uncle Al win at ping-pong, just because; that painfully itchy sweater that Grandma made for you?? You’ll suffer stoically and keep it on until you get to the car. Baking, ice-skating, caroling, watching holiday favorites, bundling up the sleepy children for Christmas Eve Midnight Mass... You were a part of that then, but this year your ex picked up the kids to celebrate like “before” and you are alone. Even in most amicable uncoupling situations, it is difficult not to feel somewhat excluded, nostalgic and lonely.

Times and circumstances change and the adjustment can be painful. The picture perfect x-mas with generations of loving families coming together in joy and peace is not, by far, the only accurate depiction of how people experience this time of year. Not everybody has an abundantly dressed holiday table with adorably wrinkly faced grandparents with soft silver hair or happy cherubic babies with rosy cheeks. Some tables are missing the legs that always held them up, other tables have nothing on them. Some tables will have an empty chair, formerly occupied by a recently passed loved one or a soldier serving in a far off land. Some folks will sit at the tables of a church cafeteria, and others will have no table at all, and will wander the empty streets, solitary under all of the twinkling lights….

My understanding of the true meaning of Christmas is about love and the celebration of this miraculous act of love from God; he sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him.

Let us be especially empathic and loving to those who are suffering loss for any reason at all, offer a gentle smile, a kind hello, let them feel “seen”. Make it a point to spend time with them, let them know that they matter. The value of time spent in the service of others is immeasurable and the most self-loving gift we can give this, indeed any, season.

And that is the miracle of Christmas.

Happy Holidays to all.

Does your agreement need modification?

Tue, 02 Apr 2019 20:40:36 +0000

Post-Divorce Mediation

Does your agreement need modification?

After the divorce is completed and finalized, life often presents new unexpected situations to navigate. Living conditions and financial situations change and new circumstances may necessitate a request for modification of the original agreement.

Almost any part of a divorce settlement can be modified for any number of reasons, including:

Significant financial/economic changes affecting one party, including but not limited to job loss, relocation, retirement, and other circumstances; particularly when the lifestyles and well-being of children are affected.
Altered living conditions of one of the parties which may affect prior financial settlements, including but not limited to property agreements, cohabitation, remarriage, or another major life event that challenges the validity of prior agreements.

Through divorce mediation, these situations can be assessed, re-evaluated and discussed; and an updated agreement reflecting the current circumstances can be collaboratively created in the same spirit of compassion and respect.

Co-parenting concerns

Mediation is highly effective for resolving post-divorce parenting issues that are common as children grow older and parents reestablish their lives. The willingness of each parent to encourage a close and consistent parent-child connection with both parents and their families minimizes post-divorce anxiety in children, but often it is very challenging for the adults.

Even the most focused and conscientious parents are experiencing their own personal and emotional adjustment, frequently including residual pain, anger and fear that may be buried or not fully acknowledged, or perhaps one parent is in another committed relationship and the other parent feels somehow “threatened” by this new figure in their children’s lives – this is not at all uncommon.

Mediation can help parents identify the origins of the conflict, share their perspectives, and discuss strategies that will alleviate the tension and improve communication between the parents. Perhaps new boundaries will need to be drawn or custody schedules revised, parents who collaborate respectfully are more successful and flexible because their sole agenda is the well-being of the children, not a latent personal conflict with their former partner.

For parents struggling to establish a healthy post-divorce relationship, mediation is very effective, offering a neutral judgment-free space for us to discuss your concerns.

I sincerely hope that this is a service that you will never need, but should you feel that the tension is rising, please consider carefully the emotional health of yourselves, and most urgently, the children who look to you for reassurance, guidance, and hope for a joyful future.

Preparing your finances

Tue, 02 Apr 2019 20:43:20 +0000

CONTROLLING THE CHAOS!

It is never too early in the process of separation to begin planning for your financial future as a single individual, and it can be complex, intimidating, and fraught with emotion. As an attorney, matrimonial mediator AND certified divorce financial consultant, I will guide you through this process gently and respectfully.

Understand and accept the fact that your emotions are going to try to cloud your decisions, especially on issues that are nostalgic for you. This is absolutely normal. It is important to recognize so you can evaluate your true motivating factors behind certain financial decisions. Very helpful and therapeutic methods to achieve this clarity are meditation and exercise, the benefits cannot be overstated, even in modest quantities. Even a brisk walk will relax you and help you manage your emotions.
Nothing ensures the success of your new financial future than a shiny new personalized filing system! The possibilities are endless, and there is certainly one that you will find easy to track and operate. There are also many online tools available, often your financial institution will offer many options, they can be very helpful is helping you manage your finances and budget.
Perhaps for the first time in your life, you must plan for your independent financial identity. Start with a savings/checking account in your name only, a credit card (choose a great interest rate and reward system, you will be flooded with options if your credit is good.) This fog of details too shall lift!
A comprehensive reality check. Yes, the very thought can be terrifying, but knowledge is power! If your spouse always took care of all aspects of your finances, guess what? You are going to be on your own, and getting real about it is MANDATORY.
You must have a new budget and financial plan that work best for you within the parameters of your new economic reality. For perhaps the first time, you absolutely MUST find a plan for an emergency reserve, no matter how modest at first.
Collect all of your financial records dating back 2 years. These will include bank accounts, tax records, investments, life insurance, loans, educational expenses, titles and deeds, etc.
Retirement accounts? Life insurance? Any policy that requires a beneficiary requires your attention now!
Be sure that all of your government documents are updated if you have taken back your former surname. Your driver’s license is the first to come to mind, but remember your Social Security card and passport as well.
Long-term illness/disability insurance, while hopefully never needed, will provide you with peace of mind should an unfortunate event occur that would render you unable to work for an extended period of time.

Be kind to yourself! You have been through an upheaval in every sense of the word. Respect your feelings, honor your emotions. Take breaks, don't allow yourself to get overwhelmed. You need to scream, cry, wallow in self-pity sometimes? So do it, allow it fully and it will pass. Reach out to people who will both let you cry AND make you laugh. Keep a journal, develop new routines (this is particularly enjoyable with children). Most importantly, make plans. What will you be free to do that you could not do before? Start a bucket list! Plan quality time to re-engage with the friends who may have fallen through the cracks during the transition - maybe prepare them a beautiful meal to celebrate your strength and toast to your future.

How to Choose a Mediator

Tue, 02 Apr 2019 20:45:01 +0000

How to choose a Mediator

"Mediate don’t litigate" has become a term used often by proponents of Mediation to encourage couples to settle differences outside of courts and ideally without the involvement of litigation attorneys. In some cases, litigation may be the only option, it depends primarily on the couple’s demeanor towards one another. If a couple is interested and committed to an amicable resolution to a marriage, then Mediation may be the best option, emotionally and financially. Recently and unfortunately, the field of Matrimonial Mediation has been used as an entry level job for individuals with little or no credentials to handle financial and legal issues. Like any other field, Mediators need to be held to high standards of professionality. So when couples who have exhausted all avenues to repair their marriage and are ready to start a divorce through mediation, they should look for the following:

Qualifications: In New York State, a basic 45 hours beginners training course allows you to hang your Mediation Shingle and start a quick cash business. It is not prohibited by the law to call yourself a mediator after beginners training. This is not a comprehensive approach to mediation but rather a start to a directive path of thinking. The field of mediation, through Alternative Dispute Resolution, is as vast and varied as the ocean. After sixteen years of practicing mediation and attending numerous workshops, conferences, and professional development events, I still find myself more as a student than a teacher. An Accredited Mediator has successfully completed at least 200 cases, started out under the supervision of senior mediators, have finished advanced mediation classes, and regularly participate in continuing education classes. Like other professions such as attorneys and physicians, accreditation is a rigorous and on-going process.
Education: An average mediator has a four-year college degree and perhaps a professional degree in a secondary area such as law, mental health, social services or finance. Although one does not need to be an attorney to mediate settlements, he or she cannot draft or file any legal documents. A non-attorney can only write a memorandum of understanding for a couple. Then the couple must take the memorandum to an attorney to draft their legal separation. Then if the couple is pursuing a divorce, an attorney is needed to start a divorce process. If a couple chooses a mediator who is not an attorney, they must hire two attorneys to draft a legal separation.
Experience: Everyday, I am blown away with diverse issues and circumstances that make up the complex nature of marriage. Only years of experience and a wide variety of cases create the creative and out-of-the-box thinking and problem-solving skills necessary to guide couples to a successfully negotiated outcome. Would you undergo a serious medical procedure with a physician without years of experience? Why treat such a sensitive time of your family's life any differently?
Financial Analyst: A mediator who is also a certified Financial Analyst will be in a much better situation to handle the division of assets and complex financial issues.

When and if a need for divorce arises and you call a mediator, don’t hesitate to ask what other experiences he or she has had before becoming a mediator. After all, being a mediator is not about selling a product but it is more of a way of life which encompasses kindness, compassion along with education and experience.

Can I save your marriage? Most likely not. But I can save your family from much hurts and your hard earned money, YES I CAN.

How Do I Tell My Spouse?

Tue, 02 Apr 2019 20:47:16 +0000

Every so often a potential client calls my office asking how she/he should break the news of wanting a divorce to the other party who might not be aware of or in agreement with a crisis in their marriage. My first question is always, have you gone to counseling? Followed by my second question, alone or together?

As a mediation attorney people are usually surprised, asking “you are a divorce attorney, right?” I assure them that yes, I am. But as a mediation attorney, I believe in keeping families together, under one roof or two different roofs. I do my best to save relationships, perhaps not as husband and wife but as parents, business partners or friends.

Inquiring about a divorce because one has been unhappy and has tried to resolve issues for some time, or that there has been financial or marital infidelity, are some of the reasons marriages break down. Divorce mediation does have some counseling component to it. I never encourage or direct any potential client to pursue a divorce unless I hear the magical phrase over the phone, “we have tried reconciliation for some time.”

This is my advice to the unhappy potential client; tell the other spouse about your unhappiness with the marriage and desire to resolve the marital issue with kindness and in peace. Avoid assigning blame or listing the shortcomings of your spouse; avoid the exchange of whose fault it has been or who has contributed what share of the blame. I have been told that sometimes the other spouse is equally unhappy but has not been expressing it.

Sometimes the other spouse, who is not prepared to confront these conflicts, may start threatening the unhappy caller with financial consequences, especially if he/she is the primary income earner. Although I encourage communication about spouses financial situation, stay calm and don’t start your negotiations from that angle. You can suggest that discussing all financials yourselves ahead of seeing the mediation attorney is economically and emotionally preferable to each hiring an attorney and taking it from there. It is your decision to do this jointly or separately. In order for this conversation not to fall into the “cracks” again, it is important to set a time frame for the honest discussion of your financial outlook.

Again, if you have been contemplating a divorce, discuss it with your partner directly rather than letting an attorney informing your spouse about your decision. I have been told by angry spouses who have been SERVED, that these kind of surprises are not fruitful and usually generate more anger and mistrust. If there has been domestic violence, I refer the caller immediately to Family Justice Center, a domestic violence organization in Buffalo as a starting point towards protection and divorce.

Remember, divorce, like marriage, needs two consenting parties. Otherwise, the result has the potential of emotional devastation and financial nightmares, for not only the immediate family but also the loved ones around them. So, do everybody a favor by putting your heart and brain together when asking for a divorce. After all, it should take two to divorce.

Divorce over 50

Thu, 07 Nov 2019 20:10:12 +0000

Divorce for this group presents unique challenges: due to age and their years (or not) remaining in the workforce, a careful discussion and planning regarding their financial situation, thorough disclosure to assure that both spouses know and understand the effect of divorce on their economic well-being, is absolutely essential. Often a mediator with financial divorce certification should be involved to calculate and explain financial realities before the couple considers divorce.

An alternative to divorce could involve a discussion of a legal financial separation instead of divorce, especially if there has been financial mishandling or abuse by one spouse or a chronic behavioral addiction which could expose the family to a lawsuit and financial drainage. A legal financial separation would separate households and finances but the couple could remain under the same roof. In New York State couples can remain separated in perpetuity.

Another benefit of legal separation is that both parties can remain under the family Health insurance if they are not already on Medicaid or Medicare individually. For example, if there is a preexisting condition the affected party may not be able to secure adequate coverage. I recently legally separated a lovely couple for that very reason. The husband has cancer and has many medical expenses which Medicare may not fully cover. Through the younger Wife’s good health insurance, he is able to have all of his medical needs and treatment covered. The Wife was in a relationship with another but could not marry again because of her commitment to her husband’s guarantee of quality and comprehensive health care. I continue to see in my mediated separation or divorces, kindness, and much decency in the way couples treat one another even at times of division.

In marriages of long duration, where one spouse handles finances and is more comfortable with numbers, the other spouse may feel vulnerable, uneasy and left out, even if that was not evident during the marriage. I had a very well-to-do couple where the husband in late seventies thought that because he was retired and not earning income in what he considered the “traditional” sense, there was no money to divide. That very year which the wife was divorcing the husband, he was asked by two of his employers to start withdrawing from his retirement funds or risk losing his money. The Wife, on the other hand, was the spouse in charge of billing and all financial investments. She knew exactly where they stood financially. She also, understood his resistance to divide any portfolio simply because he did not understand numbers.

Another source of significant value for couples already retired is their income from retirement and pensions. Many couples over fifty with whom I have collaborated are already at near retirement age. Sometimes one spouse is much younger and also the lower income spouse perhaps entitled to spousal support. The equitable division of the retirement will negatively affect the income of the retired spouse. In all my mediation, I put on the table the doctrine of fairness, to help couples ask themselves and then to make decisions. Mediating since 2001, I use experience, extensive divorce mediation training, and my credentials as a divorce financial analysis and a mediation attorney to dissolve marriages. I am honored to hear your divorce story and to be selected as your mediator.

The grieving process

Tue, 09 Jan 2018 16:04:01 +0000

Thoughts on Grief and Loss; Honor Your Divorce Properly

On April 29 between 5:17-5:25 PM my precious mom leaned back on the sofa, tilted her head back and closed her beautiful eyes at my parents’ home in LA. Just like that. My mother closed her eyes to life and I haven’t seen her since.

Her body was at the funeral home, I touched and caressed her beautiful face, but there was no life. My sisters, our father and I watched, in unimaginable agony and pain, as her precious lifeless body slid into burning flames. After several weeks of mourning with my beloved family, I came back home to Buffalo, in foggy shock and with a dagger in my heart. I began looking for my mother. It made no sense to me, how could one be separated from the other, life from body? Is this a nightmare, my sisters and I ask ourselves and each other: “Mother say something, please? What next?” Mother! I was emotionally overwhelmed by the sense of rootlessness I felt.

What shall I do now? “Stop mourning and making yourself sick”, she would say. Change the hurt into strength by transferring the pain into energy.

This is why I am writing about grieving in divorce. I am a divorce mediator and I emotionally invest in each and every one of my clients. How can I learn from my own agonizing journey of loss to help my clients ease the pain going through the end of their marriage?

Robert Emery, Ph.D. professor of Psychology and Director of the Center for Children, Families, and the Law at UVA talks about the complexities of divorce grieving that make it a unique among all types of grieving processes. If it is left unrecognized, it will manifest into something else, also dark and foreboding within us. Because the end of a marriage is not symbolized with a lifeless body and cultural rituals, it is easy to overlook the reality of the profound grief of loss; indeed, it is often well disguised in the cloak of rationality. For example, financial issues are common sources of discord, and they can devolve into custody battles, friendships and other mutual relationships get spun into the drama, and the vortex of negativity feels bottomless because one painful, yet relatively simple truth evades most separating couples….our society offers most divorcing couples no clear grieving ritual that substitutes the role of a funeral for the marriage.

Several years ago, a dear friend of mine who was going through a court battled divorce, sold her husband’s custom designer suits for pennies on the dollar at a garage sale, very intentionially making sure it was advertised at his place of work. This was her way of avenging the hurt and anger which had resulted from discovering that other women had shared her “matrimonial” bedroom over the years. Her marriage died with that discovery, but she could not grieve; she was feeling betrayed so very deeply that the totality of the loss was not yet clear to her - that of family, emotional security and companionship.

When couples are divorcing, they don’t protect each other’s backs or provide shoulders to cry on anymore. Accustomed to commiserating together, they find themselves isolated; even from extended family who, once a safe oasis for empathy and support, become unavailable—besides one’s spouse, in-laws and even valued friends can be part of the losses of divorce. When divorce is high conflict and court battled, the grieving process gets buried under anger and revenge. The grieving may manifest itself in other forms, both mental and physical.

During divorce, a self-aware person will pass through a grieving process resembling Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross’s five stages of grieving death (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance). When experienced as part of the process of grieving, each step has its beneficial purposes. But, each stage also holds great risks for anyone who uses it as a final destination. The better that one can embrace the need to pass through each of the five stages, including depression, the sooner and more fully she can experience the wonderful promise at the end of the grieving process. What is that promise? It’s nothing less than a new awareness: Divorce is not the end of the world, it is a new beginning.

I have always felt intuitively sensitive to the one partner in a divorce who is hurting more than the other who may have already “checked out” from the relationship. I encourage and push parties to seek counseling even when they think there is no issue. Encouraging divorcing couples to vent out with professionals and trusted friends will result in less stressed and anxious clients with clearer understanding of each other, their issues, and hopefully a lighter heart. This will serve all parties well further down the road, as well as their children, families, and friends.

I recently used my recent grieving experience with a couple who bickered bitterly and endlessly over the most trivial details of their splintering relationship. I asked them calmly – “How would you feel if one of you dropped dead right now? Is this how you want your last memory to be of one another?” My simple question finally focused them on what really matters: In the larger scheme of events, it really does not make a difference what court papers say … what matters is the meaning we give to the words in divorce papers.

This is indeed the most emotionally gratifying part of my vocation. This is the part that made my mother proudest. For me, I wished I could have said more loving things to my mother.

Every so often, I encounter a couple that breaks my heart: The loving husband coming back from an overseas deployment with PTSD resulting in radically different behavior, a wife going for cancer treatment but wants a divorce before she undergoes the removal of the tumor. Recently, a lady of 69 years old came to me, accompanied by her 40 year-old son; I cried along with the woman as she described her life as ended. After being emotionally and economically abused by her alcoholic womanizing husband, once her high school sweetheart, she had decided to divorce him. The reasons for divorce have little to do with the grief caused by the divorce. You should and must grieve no matter what the cause, even the most justified as outlined above. The divorcing spouses in the above examples were justifying their decision to divorce to their once loving life partners.

Now when I hear the silly cliché that there are more fish in the sea, I know more than ever before, that the partner who utters those words is masking hurt. Can love for someone new replace the love you shared with someone else? Of course not.

Relationships are unique, so you can never replace someone you love. It’s not like replacing a car battery or old gym sneakers. If you try to find someone new, fresh fish, before getting over with your grieving, it could end up hurting you in the long run. Divorce is the death of a relationship. You owe it to yourself to heal your broken heart and spirit by allowing yourself to go through the grieving ritual patiently and properly.

Now, I am trying hard to remember, what my mother used to quote from Helen Keller:

Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved.

Oh how much I miss holding and being held by my precious mother.